#17: Don’t Sulk, Be an Adult

So there are times in a relationship when things aren’t going the way we would like them to or perhaps the other party is not ‘playing to the script’ and we get disappointed, angry and decide that we are just going to shut down and go on a sort of strike until the other person notices, repents and only then would we in turn bestow the love and treatment that they deserve ---and all will be well.

Well, from someone who has tried this tactic in the past, it DOES NOT WORK! And if you continue to do it with ‘what you believe’ are some positive results, then you are behaving or being treated like a child.

Here’s a better way to go about it: be straight forward with your significant other about how you feel about the situation; hear the other person out; together, decide what would be the course of action the next time it happens again. This way, it’s on the table and out in the open along with what’s needed to happen in order to avoid another episode like this. If after this talk it happens again, then your conversation will have to be even deeper and if it happens a third time around, then there’s a serious disregard for the other’s feelings and agreed upon rules.

The third time’s the charm. If you are the person whose feelings are being disregarded, figure out how you can best serve your desires and well-being. Consult with a trusted source and make the decision that’s best for YOU.

To have a loving and respectful relationship, all parties MUST be committed to making it so.

#16: Hold Hands

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always found the sight of a couple holding hands while strolling to be romantic and heart-warming. It is a simple, harmless gesture but at the same time it is so intimate and private. I’ve also seen holding hands as some sort of a sign of deeper love, understanding and acceptance.

So I had this secret wish that someday I will find someone to hold my hand and it would mean all the things that I had imagined it to be and more. My husband, as perfect as he is for me, did not reach for my hand when we walked together. I wasn’t sure if it would mean the same thing if I was the one to reach for his hand first---I know it sounds silly but I really wondered that. At some point, I decided it was just a foolish secret wish anyway. After all, how many African men hold hands when walking with their wives? Exactly! Unfortunately I couldn’t seem to shake off my secret wish of strolling hand-in-hand with the man I love.

Then one day I found the courage to share my secret wish with him! He said that there were times when he wanted to hold my hand but he didn’t think I would want him to (because sometimes I have this thing about people touching me—especially when it’s warm). So anyway, we cleared things up and now we do it often--enough. Yes, it is everything I imagined!

Go ahead---stroll hand in hand with your love one.  It is amazing to share something that’s uniquely open and yet so private at the same time. If you don’t do this already, start right away.

#15: Say What You Love About Them

When the honeymoon period ends it can be easy to forget some of the things that you love about your significant other. The little things get in the way. Sometimes it’s the big things---like children, building a life together now or planning for the future. However, the important thing to remember is that it all started with just the two of you and the very things that you love about your significant other—those things are most likely the reasons why you fell in love and decided to build a life together in the first place.

Find a way to help yourself remember.  Is there a song that brings back special memories? Buy the album or load it to your iPod and dance to it often. Is there a picture that lights up your eyes and melts your heart? Frame it and put it in a spot where you’ll see it often. Did your love one give you a greeting card or letter that means the world to you? Put it in a special place that is easily accessible. Do you have the most amazing stories about when you first met or started dating? Write them down or retell them often to each other and to those who care. You get where I’m going with this. Think about other examples.

I love writing things down in my catch-all journals. Sometimes I thump through them and read out loud to my husband. I enjoy it and he loves it. Every once in a while I would talk him into writing his thoughts and feelings in my journal. It is always fun reading his entries and, at times, sharing them with him. For example, he started on of his entries like this, “I don’t feel like writing anything but my Judy is forcing me…” Fun!

Don’t let go of all the things you love about your significant other because those things can play a big role in helping to keep your love alive.

#14: Make Intentional Physical Contact Everyday

Are you a hugger? Or do you like smooches? How about an ass-slapping? Prefer to mix it up?

I’m asking you these things because any one of them (or a combination) can work wonders for your relationship! There is power in intentional actions—no matter what the goal. In this instance, the goal is to establish physical contact.

One of the best decisions my husband and I made early on in our marriage was to kiss when we greet or depart from each other. So depending on our comings and goings each day, which can add up quickly when you consider the dropping offs ad picking ups of kids and making much needed trips and errands, kisses could be flying like crazy!

Okay—honestly—sometimes the smooch is so quick that you could miss it if you just blink but the point is that had it not been for this rule, I have no doubt that I would be kissing my husband significantly less. Not to mention the times when I am not so pleased with him—and of course no one knows it but me—so I still get to kiss him regardless. And oh, when we don’t kiss each other then we know that there’s something VERY wrong but the making up…kisses, that is….is sweet!

I digress…

Here is why intentional physical contact is important. Every time we kiss or touch, even if for the briefest moments, it makes me more aware of him—I see him and feel him and when we are apart (especially for days) I miss them so much and yearn for those moments. They have become second nature and expected, making me feel grateful for him and our love and commitment to each other. And days when things are dark and scary I find myself lingering a bit longer and taking a bit more time to savor the kiss; hell, sometimes I even throw my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulders—that results to raised eyebrow and a puzzled but pleased look every time.

But seriously, intentional physical contact forces a couple to stop and acknowledge one another as if saying, “Hey, I see you.”

#13: Discover a Favorite Pastime to Enjoy Together

Sometimes I hear couples say that they do better when they’re apart because whenever they are in the same space for a long period of time sparks start to fly. Such a relationship would be a challenge for me and I imagine that it would be for many others too.

Life happens, we get caught up in it and very soon we start to believe that it is the best we can do. I have great news for you---it’s never too late to discover new things or develop a new attitude. Of course a willing spirit and an open mind are required in order to be successful. J 

Sometimes you have to work hard--through trial and error--at figuring out what constitutes that favorite pastime. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll stumble across it unexpectedly. However, the not so good news is that once you find one thing there is no guarantee that it will always work.

Just like you won’t want to eat the same dish every day, you would most likely get bored if you try doing the same activity all the time, so mix it up. Say for example, you discover gardening is something you both love and working on the garden does wonders for your teamwork and partnership. Consider what to fill that time with during the non-growing season.

Figure it out by talking about it, paying attention to what you enjoy doing (separately or together), or make a list of new things to try and go for it. Choose to make sparks fly in the right way—any sparks happening should ignite a flame of love and warmth and not one to produce enemy fire that hurts your relationship.

# 12: Set Goals Together

I remember reading greeting cards that I received for my wedding and someone wrote “Hope you guys accomplish great things together!” That stuck with me. At first, I didn’t know what to make of it. At the time, I was clear about what I wanted to accomplish as an individual, I had a general idea about my husband’s dreams, I knew we wanted to have a family and make a good life for ourselves but beyond that everything was fuzzy. I just hadn’t thought that far out yet.

I am a planner by nature so I had learned the power of goal-setting but doing it as a couple was a whole different story. In the beginning, we reacted to things a lot and over time we learned to budget and plan ahead. Of course there are situations where you feel like there’s no need to plan ahead because the resources just aren’t there in the first place.

However, research shows that when you have a plan, you have a significantly better chance of accomplishing it. Setting goals together will definitely give you a better shot of realizing them. If you don’t know where to start, I would suggest making a wish list. To me, it is a kinder and gentler version of the corporate term “brainstorming,” which can sound chaotic and like ‘way too much work.’ Once you have your wish list, take a break and let it percolate for a while (you decide how long) but not longer than three months. Next, decide what’s agreeable, realistic and doable. Then you can add dates and do a further breakdown into action steps and who’s responsible for what and when.

When done well (that is when everyone participates fully) the benefits of goal setting together can be rewarding---improved goal-setting skills, better partnership, stronger bond, pride in accomplishing together and a better future.

I am eternally grateful for that note my wedding greeting card because it continues to inspire me after all these years. Beware what you write in a greeting card. It might turn out to be a source of inspiration for a lifetime!

#11: Say Please and Thank You

Saying please and thank you sounds like a simple thing to do but simple is not always easy. It is usually the simple everyday things that trip us up in committed relationships. Squeezing the toothpaste tube the wrong way, leaving hair in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up, drinking milk or juice from the bottle, and such, are things that have somewhat become clichés but they do push those buttons that make us say things we regret and take us down ugly paths that can negatively affect a relationship.

There’s a reason why people refer to Please and Thank You as the magic words. They are magical. These powerful expressions are often taken for granted, especially with those with whom we have close relationships. This is often the case in a marriage or committed relationship where familiarity takes over and couples can easily begin to take each other for granted.

At the very least, two people enter into a committed relationship from different households and families, which often mean different values and worldviews and different ways of doing things. Intermarriages and the effects of globalization have only multiplied the complications of relationships.  Different individuals and families have different beliefs and practices --- there is nothing right or wrong about it; it just is.

For example, when growing up I learned that you say please and thank you to everyone, from your parents, to relatives, to strangers and everyone in between. It is a way to be courteous and show your appreciation because no one has to do anything for you---it’s a choice. My husband on the other hand, grew up with the understanding that you have an obligation to your family---you have no choice in the matter. HUGE difference!

In response to my please and thank you, my husband would say, “You don’t have to say that because I’m your husband.” He believed that it was uncalled-for when a child had to thank the parent for a meal or a parent thanked a child for running an errand. I, on the other hand, would threaten that I wouldn’t do anything for him unless he used the right expressions.

It was hard to accept his viewpoint but I knew that he wasn’t trying to be rude or ungrateful. It was a core belief he was passionate about and his wife had learned differently. Once I understood where he was coming from when he made comments that I initially thought were outrageous, I was more patient and sensitive to his feelings. We got through it all and today we are on the same page.

Taking the time to say please and thank you to each other is a way to express love, respect and appreciation in a relationship. Say please and thank you and magic will happen!

Review 1 - 10

There is power in tens so this is the perfect time to stop and review the first 10 ways to make love last that I have suggested.

#1: Know what you want—make a list. You know what they say: if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for, you will end up with “whatever”—and that is not a good thing. So take some time to think it through, get a pen and paper and start making a list. What do you want in a partner? I know it sounds cheesy but it really works.

#2: Let Your Guard Down – Relax. As the relationship matures, you should be able to let your guard down, so that the other person sees and learns about the many different aspects (great and not so great) about you and your life. And if they really care about you and love you as they profess, it should be ‘all good’.

#3: Please, No Details about Past Relationships. Knowing the details of past relationships will only creep up during the times when you feel the most vulnerable about love and trust. You don’t want your significant other looking at you and imagining the scenarios you’ve generously and graphically described---doubts could get the better of them. So keep details from past relationships to yourself.

#4: Get to know your significant other better by asking questions. Chances are you’ll never know if you don’t ask. No question is a dumb question—as long as it’s important to you, it is valid.

#5: Make It Fun! It’s all about being in the moment and learning how to enjoy the simple things in spite of everything else.

#6: Use positive words. The words you use to address each other impact your relationship in a big way. Negative words and attitudes hurt the relationship and can potentially tarnish your love and trust for one another and eventually pull you apart.

#7: Express Your Love on Valentine's Day. In my opinion, set-aside holidays serve as a wonderful reminder to do those things that we get so busy and easily forget to do. So my suggestion will be to take advantage of Valentine’s Day. The important thing is that you take the time to spend some quality time together and express you love for each other.

#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take a look at the unique circumstances of your relationship and decide how to build a respectful one. Remember that you earn respect by giving it to another.

#9: Make Sex a Priority. You probably know that sex has many benefits including improved health. Be present when lovemaking to ensure that sex is enjoyable and beneficial. My motto, if you’re going do it anyway, you better make sure it is great!

#10: Stay Connected to Other People. Keeping connected to people outside of a romantic relationship is enriching, whether done individually or as a couple. Healthy connections can provide a breath of fresh air into a marriage. When we make time to connect with others, we get a break from “our world” and can focus on other things or people; we can relax and enjoy the company of others; we can learn and share; and we can provide assistance or contribute to something bigger than just ‘us.’ Experts say that such connections make us healthier and happier individuals.

Now on to more ways.....stay tuned!

#10: Stay Connected to Other People

You’ve read the poems, listened to the songs, heard the stories and perhaps experienced it yourself---when people are in love they want to spend every waking moment together. That’s all fine and good but when that happens, the other people in their lives move on to other things.

To be fair, the older we get the harder it is to maintain and develop relationships. When we enter into a committed relationship like marriage, priorities change and without thought, planning and effort, we could lose great friendships that we worked to so hard to build.

Couples should definitely take the time they need and get to know each other better. People are generally understanding when it comes to that. However, make sure to keep family and friends in the loop. Make an occasional call, send an email or a text to stay connected---you'll be glad you did. Why?

Keeping connected to people outside of a romantic relationship is enriching and beneficial, whether done individually or as a couple. Healthy connections can provide a breath of fresh air into a marriage. When we make time to connect with others, we get a break from “our world” and can focus on other things or people; we can relax and enjoy the company of others; we can learn and share; and we can provide assistance or contribute to something bigger than 'us'. Experts say that such connections make us healthier and happier individuals.

Be creative when you’re connecting with others. You don’t always have to do lunch, dinner or coffee. You can meet to workout, go to an event, go shopping or sight-seeing, work on a project together, or do anything that you are both interested in. Finding a variety of ways to connect will keep things interesting and fresh.

What I value the most about keeping connected to others is that it helps to keep me grounded and I am usually participating as an individual and not as part of a couple—there’s a difference.

#9: Make Sex a Priority

Newly committed couples find out very quickly that the romance doesn’t last forever---at least not in that same form. Sex takes on different functions in the relationship over time. For example, couples who just couldn’t get enough of each other now have more time to explore and enjoy lovemaking, for couples hoping to get pregnant it becomes a mission to conceive, etc. Like everything else that we dive into with all of our passion and energy, we eventually burnout and need a break. This is the point where couples will need to be patient and communicate often about their thoughts and emotions. It can be a confusing time because it can easily be construed as falling out of love, when in reality it is not.

Of course each couple will have their unique circumstances but for the most part, making sex a priority has many benefits: it is safe (assuming it is monogamous), it helps couples connect at a deeper level, it generally gets better over time—with same partner and with age, and it is an expression of love and acceptance, in addition to other general health benefits of sex.

Some people have a fear of the “letting yourself go” phenomenon once you are happily committed. In most cases, it is no longer all about physical attraction. Sexy becomes things like doing your part to make the household run smoothly such as washing the dishes without being asked or reminded, saying the right things to help the other regain confidence, making a special wish come true, taking the kids to the park so the other can take a much-needed break, and so on. The little things that make a person feel loved and accepted become the new turn-on.

Common things that can become obstacles to making sex a priority in a committed relationship include stress, kids, fatigue, and emotional distress. One way that experts suggest having great sex in spite of the obstacles is to clear your head and allow yourself to be present when lovemaking. This way you can ensure that sex is enjoyable and all of its benefits are realized. Here’s my motto, "if you’re going do it anyway, you better make sure it is great!"

#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As an African woman, I grew up with the idea that respect is given to the dead, elders, males and mothers--pretty much in that order.  Depending on how traditional one is, the African idea of respect can play a big role in one’s relationship or marriage. My marriage is a great example. My husband comes from a somewhat traditional background but I’m just the opposite. I grew up with hardly any traditional African values so the idea of “respect your husband,” I had heard many times before but didn’t understand what it really meant. It was a rude awakening for me when I started to experience and comprehend the African style respect.

For example, my in-laws would refer to my husband for everything, even things that have to do with me; at times they would do this in my presence and not once glancing over at me; other times when I would speak up, they would give my husband a quizzical look as if asking ‘are you going to tolerate this behavior?’  I would get hurt, confused and angry all at the same time and start to either confront my husband right there (because I figure they are family and not strangers) or accuse him of not loving me enough to stand up in my defense. However, I noticed that more it happened the more alone I felt.  In my mind, he was showing solidarity to his family and not his wife---I couldn’t win no matter how hard I protested.

To make a long story short, I realized that my husband is who he is and I can’t change that. In fact, I really didn’t want to change him at all so I needed to find the best way to deal with the reality of his background and values without driving myself insane or drifting apart from him. The answer---respect! I had to respect him as he sees it (tough for me but worth it).

Today, I try my very best to let him relate to his family and friends as he sees fit without my interference.  I’ve stopped asking him to ask his family to refer to me because I know that at the end of the day my husband will share whatever the situation is with me and we will decide together (many times I get to decide). I also respect my in-laws for who they are and their beliefs and values even if I don’t agree with them. In the end, our lives came back into balance because we learned to respect each other—no matter what. Over the years, we have come to understand that respect is tremendously important in keeping our marriage happy and healthy.

Okay, enough about me!

Respect is one word that is thrown around a lot but what does it really mean?

Let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the meaning of the word. According to the Merriam-Webster free online dictionary, it means the following:

1: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation <remarks having respect to an earlier plan>

2: an act of giving particular attention: consideration

3a: high or special regard: esteem
b: the quality or state of being esteemed
c (plural): expressions of high or special regard or deference <paid our respects>

We often think about items 2 and 3a when we speak of respect. Let me remind you that you have to earn respect in order to get it in return. Unfortunately, too many people forget that fact.

In marriage or a relationship, demands for respect directly or indirectly often come about during times when the following phrases are being used or made reference to:

·         “head of household”

·         “bread-winner”

·         “mother-of-your-children”

·         “through thick and thin”

·         “sacrifice”

If you think about it, these are entitlement phrases. We often feel that these self-described phrases automatically give us the right to be respected. You could probably come up with dozens of scenarios for each phrase or perhaps even you have used them to make the case for respect. In the final analysis, like in my own case, you will need to look at your unique circumstance and decide how to build a respectful relationship.

#7: Express Your Love on Valentine's Day

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you and your relationship?

I know people who argue that it is just another commercial holiday when the business community puts the pressure on to make us throw away our hard earned money. Maybe or maybe not. It’s all how you look at it. The bottom line is celebrating your love does not have to cost you any extra money than you already spend regularly.

In my opinion, set-aside holidays serve as a wonderful reminder to do those things that we get so busy and easily forget to do. So my suggestion will be to take advantage of Valentine’s Day. The important thing is that you take the time to spend some quality time together and express you love for each other.

Here is a list of things that will cost you little or nothing:

·         Buy a greeting card that comes close to expressing what you feel and read it out loud to your love one

·         Write a letter and read it out loud to them

·         Make dinner special (cook or take out)

·         Dance to your favorite love tune

·         Give them a loving hug, look them in the eye and express your love

·         Go to bed at least 30 minutes earlier than usual to…(you fill in the blank)

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!

#6: Use Positive Words

Why would anyone direct harsh or derogatory remarks to the one they love? Two reasons: either they don’t have an expansive vocabulary or they don’t know what else to do.

Here’s a true personal story: disagreements in the first years of my marriage were sometimes fierce. However, I am not one to back down from any opportunity to express myself. During those times, things would sometimes get heated and loud and we would find ourselves in a place where we were trying our hardest to say hurtful things --- more hurtful than what the other person had said before. Very quickly we found ourselves going down a dark path and I dreaded quarrels but braced myself for one whenever necessary. Finally, we initiated a series of talks about our fights and what I discovered was very interesting and eye-opening. I learned that most of the words and phrases my husband (whose native language is French) used were simply those he had learned from guy friends he lived with when he first came to the country. He had learned that those were the things you said to curse someone out and hurt their feelings. He didn’t quite understand what impact it had on me or the damage it could potentially have on our relationship. Basically, the words didn’t mean much to him but was devastating to me. Today, when we quarrel, we focus on getting to the root cause of the issue and not merely aiming to hurt the other’s feelings as much as possible.

The words you use to address each other impact your relationship in a big way. Negative words and attitudes hurt the relationship and can potentially tarnish your love and trust for one another and eventually pull you apart.

If the tone of your relationship is negative, take some time to talk about it and find out why it’s happening in the first place, then make a commitment to turn the page.

#5: Make it Fun

You’ve probably heard about the many health benefits of laughter and having fun in your life so I’ll get to the point. The greatest value of ensuring you have plenty of fun-filled times in your relationship is that it is a huge stress-reliever.   It is so easy to get pulled into our never-ending to do lists and deadlines and all the stresses and anxieties that come with them. Once you’re feeling stressed-out and on edge, it is also easy to take it on those closest to you, including your significant other. A sense of humor can help reduce stress and help you relax. If you or your significant other happens to be a comedian at heart then thank your lucky stars. If not, there are ways you can help lighten the mood, like watching a funny flick, playing a game, or finding some humor is your daily activities.

I am lucky in that my husband and I not only make each other laugh often but we have also learned to look for the funnies in our daily activities. In addition, raising our children has provided us with more than enough fun opportunities. It’s all about being in the moment and learning how to enjoy the simple things in spite of everything else.

#4: Ask Questions and Get to Know Them Better

I’ve always been a sort of question box for as long as I can remember. People would sometimes say to me, “What kind of question is that?” My answer, the kind I’m wondering about. Curiosity has served me well when it comes to love and relationships. Here’s why.

Chances are you’ll never know if you don’t ask. No question is a dumb question—as long as it’s important to you, it is valid.

At the beginning of a relationship, you can literally stare at your lover’s face for moments on end and not have to say anything--you are content with just being in their presence. That gets old and boring quickly and pretty soon you find yourself looking for something—anything—to fill the newly discovered silence. Then you resort to things like, so…what are you thinking? How was your day? And so on.

Think about things you really want to know about your significant other; things that really matter to your relationship now and in the future. I’m not suggesting that you make a list of questions and conduct an interview or bombard them with questions until you drive them crazy.

Come up with a variety of questions that you’re interested in but also, if you listen and observe them, you will get some ideas about what kinds of things they appreciate sharing or talking about. Asking meaningful questions will make your significant other feel like you are interested in who they are, what they think, and what they want. You will also get to know them better and strengthen your bond.

# 3: No Details About Past Relationships, Please

Past relationships are part of our history. They are like practice for the real match—commitment and/or marriage. We learn from them—things like what we want and what we don’t want in a relationship. We also get curious about past relationships of our significant other. Beyond that, we are afraid to get short-changed or the last one to know that there might be some ‘old spark from the past that can easily be reignited to a burning flame’.  However, past relationship issues can easily become a slippery slope.

If necessary, it is okay to name names and give estimated timelines but no specifics please. Why? Because life is tough and we usually look to our life-partner for security and reassurance. Every day we get hit by all kinds of issues and at the end of the day we sometimes feel vulnerable and doubtful and want to know who’s on our side.

Very often, the details of past relationships creep up when people feel the most vulnerable about love and trust. Imagine your significant other looking at you and thinking about the scenarios you’ve generously and graphically described---things can only get complicated with that kind of stuff.

So keep details from past relationships to yourself. They are your life lessons but are inappropriate for your current relationship.

#2: Let Your Guard Down - Relax

Think about how we attract our mates. We make sure to look our very best and sound as intelligent as we can manage. In other words, we get on a mission to impress. That’s a natural reaction in the animal kingdom---and lest you forget, humans are also considered animals.

Some of the ways animals attract their mates include scent, color display and mock fighting. There are animals capable of producing a hormonal scent that females respond to and are able to track the male. Many change color at mating time, while others have fights where the winner gets the mate.
If you think about it, humans can, and often times, do try these very same techniques when it comes to attracting mates but that’s a topic for a different time and place.

I remember when my husband and I newly started dating I wouldn’t see him without getting my eyes done—eyeliner, brow liner and mascara. At the time I believed that that look enhanced my beauty without looking like I tried too hard. Besides, he had complimented my eyes and they were made up at the time so why take the chance to have him see them bare—didn’t feel like a smart thing to do if I wanted him sticking around.

There are countless things that people do to continue to impress their mates. However, those things are fine when you’re just getting to know each other. As time goes on, it is normal to let go of much of the fear and anxiety brought on by thinking that a particular act or change in expectation might lead to loss of interest from the other person.

As the relationship matures, you should be able to let your guard down, so that the other person sees and learns about the many different aspects (great and not so great) of you and your life. And if they really care about you and love you as they profess, it should be ‘all good’.

#1: Know What You Want - Make a list

You know what they say: if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for, you will end up with “whatever”—and that is not a good thing. So take some time to think it through, get a pen and paper and start making a list. What do you want in a partner? I know it sounds cheesy but it really works.

Early on I learned about the power of lists but I did not become a believer until years later. In fact, I was somewhat forced to do it because I was at a point where I was finally serious about getting my relationship right.

As a single parent, I took a good, hard look at my past relationships and decided that I needed to make some big changes. I didn’t want to go through a laundry list of suitors and have my child get pulled in and out of my relationships, so I gave the list thing a try. I made a list of the qualities that my dream guy should have. Once I had my list where I thought it was realistic without taking away too much of what I had always dreamed of, I made a commitment to consciously keep those things in mind when I began meeting guys. It worked! I got the guy, most of the things on my list and a lot more that I wasn’t even considering. Oh sure, I had to settle for a couple of things on the list, but they were things that I felt I could live with.

Getting the guy did not stop my list-making activities. Throughout our relationship and marriage, I continue to make list of things that I want and don’t want to live with. Now, however, I share that list with him and we negotiate the items and work on them together.

Making a list of what you want is a surefire way of ensuring you will get what you want and not stray too far from the “big picture” of your dream relationship.

P.S. Make sure to get to the bottom of your list items by asking the question “why?” Figure out why those items are so important to you—it makes it that much more powerful, plus, it fuels motivation.

Putting it out there - Sharing my knowledge, experiences and lessons learned

When it comes to talking about love and marriage, there is a level of fear that many people experience for all kinds of reasons. The number one reason is because of the uncertainties associated with love and marriage; one moment, things can be going great and the next, it could be done. It is difficult to reach a point where people feel like they have it all figured out. Everything could seem fine and smooth-sailing and out of nowhere, one partner could decide that it’s just not working out for them, to the complete and utter surprise of the other. Another reason is because people are afraid of jinxing what they have as if just by discussing their relationship would turn everything for the worse. It’s kind of like bragging---many people are uncomfortable with it and feel awkward in the spotlight.

One saying that was repeated a lot since I was a little girl and to this day I still hear people saying is, “Don’t put your dirty laundry out in the street for all to see. Keep it at home behind closed doors, away from the world.” Well I know for a fact that sometimes you can save yourself a lot of work and ‘good clothes’ if you share your challenges, learn from others’ mistakes and open up to trying new solutions.

Having been in a monogamous relationship for over fourteen years, ten of which we’ve been married, qualifies me to share a thing or two about building a lasting relationship. It is never easy and keeping things going in the right direction is an ongoing and a never-ending process. As they say, it takes two to tango. It is true that in order to have a successful relationship, all parties must do the work that is required, but most importantly, each person must understand and believe that they have both the power and will to make it happen and in so doing, they must give it 105 percent.

This blog is about sharing my own knowledge, experiences and lessons learned along the way. I welcome your participation.