#10: Stay Connected to Other People

You’ve read the poems, listened to the songs, heard the stories and perhaps experienced it yourself---when people are in love they want to spend every waking moment together. That’s all fine and good but when that happens, the other people in their lives move on to other things.

To be fair, the older we get the harder it is to maintain and develop relationships. When we enter into a committed relationship like marriage, priorities change and without thought, planning and effort, we could lose great friendships that we worked to so hard to build.

Couples should definitely take the time they need and get to know each other better. People are generally understanding when it comes to that. However, make sure to keep family and friends in the loop. Make an occasional call, send an email or a text to stay connected---you'll be glad you did. Why?

Keeping connected to people outside of a romantic relationship is enriching and beneficial, whether done individually or as a couple. Healthy connections can provide a breath of fresh air into a marriage. When we make time to connect with others, we get a break from “our world” and can focus on other things or people; we can relax and enjoy the company of others; we can learn and share; and we can provide assistance or contribute to something bigger than 'us'. Experts say that such connections make us healthier and happier individuals.

Be creative when you’re connecting with others. You don’t always have to do lunch, dinner or coffee. You can meet to workout, go to an event, go shopping or sight-seeing, work on a project together, or do anything that you are both interested in. Finding a variety of ways to connect will keep things interesting and fresh.

What I value the most about keeping connected to others is that it helps to keep me grounded and I am usually participating as an individual and not as part of a couple—there’s a difference.

#9: Make Sex a Priority

Newly committed couples find out very quickly that the romance doesn’t last forever---at least not in that same form. Sex takes on different functions in the relationship over time. For example, couples who just couldn’t get enough of each other now have more time to explore and enjoy lovemaking, for couples hoping to get pregnant it becomes a mission to conceive, etc. Like everything else that we dive into with all of our passion and energy, we eventually burnout and need a break. This is the point where couples will need to be patient and communicate often about their thoughts and emotions. It can be a confusing time because it can easily be construed as falling out of love, when in reality it is not.

Of course each couple will have their unique circumstances but for the most part, making sex a priority has many benefits: it is safe (assuming it is monogamous), it helps couples connect at a deeper level, it generally gets better over time—with same partner and with age, and it is an expression of love and acceptance, in addition to other general health benefits of sex.

Some people have a fear of the “letting yourself go” phenomenon once you are happily committed. In most cases, it is no longer all about physical attraction. Sexy becomes things like doing your part to make the household run smoothly such as washing the dishes without being asked or reminded, saying the right things to help the other regain confidence, making a special wish come true, taking the kids to the park so the other can take a much-needed break, and so on. The little things that make a person feel loved and accepted become the new turn-on.

Common things that can become obstacles to making sex a priority in a committed relationship include stress, kids, fatigue, and emotional distress. One way that experts suggest having great sex in spite of the obstacles is to clear your head and allow yourself to be present when lovemaking. This way you can ensure that sex is enjoyable and all of its benefits are realized. Here’s my motto, "if you’re going do it anyway, you better make sure it is great!"

#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As an African woman, I grew up with the idea that respect is given to the dead, elders, males and mothers--pretty much in that order.  Depending on how traditional one is, the African idea of respect can play a big role in one’s relationship or marriage. My marriage is a great example. My husband comes from a somewhat traditional background but I’m just the opposite. I grew up with hardly any traditional African values so the idea of “respect your husband,” I had heard many times before but didn’t understand what it really meant. It was a rude awakening for me when I started to experience and comprehend the African style respect.

For example, my in-laws would refer to my husband for everything, even things that have to do with me; at times they would do this in my presence and not once glancing over at me; other times when I would speak up, they would give my husband a quizzical look as if asking ‘are you going to tolerate this behavior?’  I would get hurt, confused and angry all at the same time and start to either confront my husband right there (because I figure they are family and not strangers) or accuse him of not loving me enough to stand up in my defense. However, I noticed that more it happened the more alone I felt.  In my mind, he was showing solidarity to his family and not his wife---I couldn’t win no matter how hard I protested.

To make a long story short, I realized that my husband is who he is and I can’t change that. In fact, I really didn’t want to change him at all so I needed to find the best way to deal with the reality of his background and values without driving myself insane or drifting apart from him. The answer---respect! I had to respect him as he sees it (tough for me but worth it).

Today, I try my very best to let him relate to his family and friends as he sees fit without my interference.  I’ve stopped asking him to ask his family to refer to me because I know that at the end of the day my husband will share whatever the situation is with me and we will decide together (many times I get to decide). I also respect my in-laws for who they are and their beliefs and values even if I don’t agree with them. In the end, our lives came back into balance because we learned to respect each other—no matter what. Over the years, we have come to understand that respect is tremendously important in keeping our marriage happy and healthy.

Okay, enough about me!

Respect is one word that is thrown around a lot but what does it really mean?

Let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the meaning of the word. According to the Merriam-Webster free online dictionary, it means the following:

1: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation <remarks having respect to an earlier plan>

2: an act of giving particular attention: consideration

3a: high or special regard: esteem
b: the quality or state of being esteemed
c (plural): expressions of high or special regard or deference <paid our respects>

We often think about items 2 and 3a when we speak of respect. Let me remind you that you have to earn respect in order to get it in return. Unfortunately, too many people forget that fact.

In marriage or a relationship, demands for respect directly or indirectly often come about during times when the following phrases are being used or made reference to:

·         “head of household”

·         “bread-winner”

·         “mother-of-your-children”

·         “through thick and thin”

·         “sacrifice”

If you think about it, these are entitlement phrases. We often feel that these self-described phrases automatically give us the right to be respected. You could probably come up with dozens of scenarios for each phrase or perhaps even you have used them to make the case for respect. In the final analysis, like in my own case, you will need to look at your unique circumstance and decide how to build a respectful relationship.

#7: Express Your Love on Valentine's Day

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you and your relationship?

I know people who argue that it is just another commercial holiday when the business community puts the pressure on to make us throw away our hard earned money. Maybe or maybe not. It’s all how you look at it. The bottom line is celebrating your love does not have to cost you any extra money than you already spend regularly.

In my opinion, set-aside holidays serve as a wonderful reminder to do those things that we get so busy and easily forget to do. So my suggestion will be to take advantage of Valentine’s Day. The important thing is that you take the time to spend some quality time together and express you love for each other.

Here is a list of things that will cost you little or nothing:

·         Buy a greeting card that comes close to expressing what you feel and read it out loud to your love one

·         Write a letter and read it out loud to them

·         Make dinner special (cook or take out)

·         Dance to your favorite love tune

·         Give them a loving hug, look them in the eye and express your love

·         Go to bed at least 30 minutes earlier than usual to…(you fill in the blank)

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!

#6: Use Positive Words

Why would anyone direct harsh or derogatory remarks to the one they love? Two reasons: either they don’t have an expansive vocabulary or they don’t know what else to do.

Here’s a true personal story: disagreements in the first years of my marriage were sometimes fierce. However, I am not one to back down from any opportunity to express myself. During those times, things would sometimes get heated and loud and we would find ourselves in a place where we were trying our hardest to say hurtful things --- more hurtful than what the other person had said before. Very quickly we found ourselves going down a dark path and I dreaded quarrels but braced myself for one whenever necessary. Finally, we initiated a series of talks about our fights and what I discovered was very interesting and eye-opening. I learned that most of the words and phrases my husband (whose native language is French) used were simply those he had learned from guy friends he lived with when he first came to the country. He had learned that those were the things you said to curse someone out and hurt their feelings. He didn’t quite understand what impact it had on me or the damage it could potentially have on our relationship. Basically, the words didn’t mean much to him but was devastating to me. Today, when we quarrel, we focus on getting to the root cause of the issue and not merely aiming to hurt the other’s feelings as much as possible.

The words you use to address each other impact your relationship in a big way. Negative words and attitudes hurt the relationship and can potentially tarnish your love and trust for one another and eventually pull you apart.

If the tone of your relationship is negative, take some time to talk about it and find out why it’s happening in the first place, then make a commitment to turn the page.

#5: Make it Fun

You’ve probably heard about the many health benefits of laughter and having fun in your life so I’ll get to the point. The greatest value of ensuring you have plenty of fun-filled times in your relationship is that it is a huge stress-reliever.   It is so easy to get pulled into our never-ending to do lists and deadlines and all the stresses and anxieties that come with them. Once you’re feeling stressed-out and on edge, it is also easy to take it on those closest to you, including your significant other. A sense of humor can help reduce stress and help you relax. If you or your significant other happens to be a comedian at heart then thank your lucky stars. If not, there are ways you can help lighten the mood, like watching a funny flick, playing a game, or finding some humor is your daily activities.

I am lucky in that my husband and I not only make each other laugh often but we have also learned to look for the funnies in our daily activities. In addition, raising our children has provided us with more than enough fun opportunities. It’s all about being in the moment and learning how to enjoy the simple things in spite of everything else.

#4: Ask Questions and Get to Know Them Better

I’ve always been a sort of question box for as long as I can remember. People would sometimes say to me, “What kind of question is that?” My answer, the kind I’m wondering about. Curiosity has served me well when it comes to love and relationships. Here’s why.

Chances are you’ll never know if you don’t ask. No question is a dumb question—as long as it’s important to you, it is valid.

At the beginning of a relationship, you can literally stare at your lover’s face for moments on end and not have to say anything--you are content with just being in their presence. That gets old and boring quickly and pretty soon you find yourself looking for something—anything—to fill the newly discovered silence. Then you resort to things like, so…what are you thinking? How was your day? And so on.

Think about things you really want to know about your significant other; things that really matter to your relationship now and in the future. I’m not suggesting that you make a list of questions and conduct an interview or bombard them with questions until you drive them crazy.

Come up with a variety of questions that you’re interested in but also, if you listen and observe them, you will get some ideas about what kinds of things they appreciate sharing or talking about. Asking meaningful questions will make your significant other feel like you are interested in who they are, what they think, and what they want. You will also get to know them better and strengthen your bond.

# 3: No Details About Past Relationships, Please

Past relationships are part of our history. They are like practice for the real match—commitment and/or marriage. We learn from them—things like what we want and what we don’t want in a relationship. We also get curious about past relationships of our significant other. Beyond that, we are afraid to get short-changed or the last one to know that there might be some ‘old spark from the past that can easily be reignited to a burning flame’.  However, past relationship issues can easily become a slippery slope.

If necessary, it is okay to name names and give estimated timelines but no specifics please. Why? Because life is tough and we usually look to our life-partner for security and reassurance. Every day we get hit by all kinds of issues and at the end of the day we sometimes feel vulnerable and doubtful and want to know who’s on our side.

Very often, the details of past relationships creep up when people feel the most vulnerable about love and trust. Imagine your significant other looking at you and thinking about the scenarios you’ve generously and graphically described---things can only get complicated with that kind of stuff.

So keep details from past relationships to yourself. They are your life lessons but are inappropriate for your current relationship.