#18: Use I Statements to Communicate Effectively

It is pretty much common knowledge that communication is key in building a successful relationship. However, not very often are we told how to communicate. I know many people (especially females) who say I talk all the time but nothing is happening. In a lot of these cases, it is just one person doing the talking so in fact it is not effective communication, which requires at least two people.

Effective communication will definitely lead to better results. What is it? Well, where do I start? The topic is vast and needs to be broached in bits and pieces. I am lucky to have a strategic communication background (trust me it helps) but for those who are seriously lacking in this area, I would suggest that they get help by taking some classes. This can be done through Community Education classes or courses provided at your local community college.

Basically, using “I Statements” is a way of communicating where you state a situation/behavior as it happened (fact), speak to how you see things from your point of view or how that specific behavior/action (not the person in general) affects you and then you say what you would like to happen.  Of course once you have had your say, you will have to let the other person respond as well. 

There are several steps in the “I Statement” process: 1) make a statement/ask a question, 2) listen and repeat/paraphrase, 3) Use “I” not “You”, 4) state the behavior/action, 5) say how the behavior/action affects you, and 6) say what you would like to happen next.

Here’s an example: 

Situation - I am watching television while writing a draft of my blog entry. My husband comes in and sits in his favorite chair, grabs the TV remote and changes the channel.

Me: Honey, please turn it back to the previous channel.

Husband: But you are on the computer and not even watching TV

Me: So because you think that I’m using the computer and not watching TV that is why you changed the channel?

Husband: Yes, that’s what I see

Me: Well I am multitasking. Besides, I was the only one in the living room and I am the one in this family who watches that program so when you change the channel without checking with me I feel dismissed and angry. I would like for you to ask me if it is okay for you to change the channel.

At this point I’m hoping he would say, “Oh sorry Honey, I didn’t realize that you were multitasking. Is it okay for me to watch something different?” And then of course I would feel inclined to say, “Yes, you may change the TV channel,” to help drive the message home --- using I Statements helps resolve misunderstandings. Besides, I can always take the laptop with me and watch TV in another room if I really wanted to see the end of the program (there are several TVs in our home).

I always enjoy learning new skills and techniques but I vividly remember when I first learned about I Statements and how excited I was to see how it changed my communication at home, in the workplace and in the community at large. Mostly because it allowed me to come across in a manner that is less accusing or blaming, allowed me to be more clear in my communication, and helped me to listen more intently to others. It takes some practicing to get it right but don’t let the awkwardness of learning this valuable skill rob you of the many benefits which will last a lifetime.

Oh and to be honest, it won’t just be you feeling awkward, your significant other would probably look at you as if you were speaking a foreign language---because it will seem so unlike you---but eventually the awkwardness will pass. 

Good luck.                                                                                                                                                                 

Click here for more instructions on I Statements.

https://compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements

#17: Don’t Sulk, Be an Adult

So there are times in a relationship when things aren’t going the way we would like them to or perhaps the other party is not ‘playing to the script’ and we get disappointed, angry and decide that we are just going to shut down and go on a sort of strike until the other person notices, repents and only then would we in turn bestow the love and treatment that they deserve ---and all will be well.

Well, from someone who has tried this tactic in the past, it DOES NOT WORK! And if you continue to do it with ‘what you believe’ are some positive results, then you are behaving or being treated like a child.

Here’s a better way to go about it: be straight forward with your significant other about how you feel about the situation; hear the other person out; together, decide what would be the course of action the next time it happens again. This way, it’s on the table and out in the open along with what’s needed to happen in order to avoid another episode like this. If after this talk it happens again, then your conversation will have to be even deeper and if it happens a third time around, then there’s a serious disregard for the other’s feelings and agreed upon rules.

The third time’s the charm. If you are the person whose feelings are being disregarded, figure out how you can best serve your desires and well-being. Consult with a trusted source and make the decision that’s best for YOU.

To have a loving and respectful relationship, all parties MUST be committed to making it so.

#16: Hold Hands

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always found the sight of a couple holding hands while strolling to be romantic and heart-warming. It is a simple, harmless gesture but at the same time it is so intimate and private. I’ve also seen holding hands as some sort of a sign of deeper love, understanding and acceptance.

So I had this secret wish that someday I will find someone to hold my hand and it would mean all the things that I had imagined it to be and more. My husband, as perfect as he is for me, did not reach for my hand when we walked together. I wasn’t sure if it would mean the same thing if I was the one to reach for his hand first---I know it sounds silly but I really wondered that. At some point, I decided it was just a foolish secret wish anyway. After all, how many African men hold hands when walking with their wives? Exactly! Unfortunately I couldn’t seem to shake off my secret wish of strolling hand-in-hand with the man I love.

Then one day I found the courage to share my secret wish with him! He said that there were times when he wanted to hold my hand but he didn’t think I would want him to (because sometimes I have this thing about people touching me—especially when it’s warm). So anyway, we cleared things up and now we do it often--enough. Yes, it is everything I imagined!

Go ahead---stroll hand in hand with your love one.  It is amazing to share something that’s uniquely open and yet so private at the same time. If you don’t do this already, start right away.

#15: Say What You Love About Them

When the honeymoon period ends it can be easy to forget some of the things that you love about your significant other. The little things get in the way. Sometimes it’s the big things---like children, building a life together now or planning for the future. However, the important thing to remember is that it all started with just the two of you and the very things that you love about your significant other—those things are most likely the reasons why you fell in love and decided to build a life together in the first place.

Find a way to help yourself remember.  Is there a song that brings back special memories? Buy the album or load it to your iPod and dance to it often. Is there a picture that lights up your eyes and melts your heart? Frame it and put it in a spot where you’ll see it often. Did your love one give you a greeting card or letter that means the world to you? Put it in a special place that is easily accessible. Do you have the most amazing stories about when you first met or started dating? Write them down or retell them often to each other and to those who care. You get where I’m going with this. Think about other examples.

I love writing things down in my catch-all journals. Sometimes I thump through them and read out loud to my husband. I enjoy it and he loves it. Every once in a while I would talk him into writing his thoughts and feelings in my journal. It is always fun reading his entries and, at times, sharing them with him. For example, he started on of his entries like this, “I don’t feel like writing anything but my Judy is forcing me…” Fun!

Don’t let go of all the things you love about your significant other because those things can play a big role in helping to keep your love alive.

#14: Make Intentional Physical Contact Everyday

Are you a hugger? Or do you like smooches? How about an ass-slapping? Prefer to mix it up?

I’m asking you these things because any one of them (or a combination) can work wonders for your relationship! There is power in intentional actions—no matter what the goal. In this instance, the goal is to establish physical contact.

One of the best decisions my husband and I made early on in our marriage was to kiss when we greet or depart from each other. So depending on our comings and goings each day, which can add up quickly when you consider the dropping offs ad picking ups of kids and making much needed trips and errands, kisses could be flying like crazy!

Okay—honestly—sometimes the smooch is so quick that you could miss it if you just blink but the point is that had it not been for this rule, I have no doubt that I would be kissing my husband significantly less. Not to mention the times when I am not so pleased with him—and of course no one knows it but me—so I still get to kiss him regardless. And oh, when we don’t kiss each other then we know that there’s something VERY wrong but the making up…kisses, that is….is sweet!

I digress…

Here is why intentional physical contact is important. Every time we kiss or touch, even if for the briefest moments, it makes me more aware of him—I see him and feel him and when we are apart (especially for days) I miss them so much and yearn for those moments. They have become second nature and expected, making me feel grateful for him and our love and commitment to each other. And days when things are dark and scary I find myself lingering a bit longer and taking a bit more time to savor the kiss; hell, sometimes I even throw my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulders—that results to raised eyebrow and a puzzled but pleased look every time.

But seriously, intentional physical contact forces a couple to stop and acknowledge one another as if saying, “Hey, I see you.”

#13: Discover a Favorite Pastime to Enjoy Together

Sometimes I hear couples say that they do better when they’re apart because whenever they are in the same space for a long period of time sparks start to fly. Such a relationship would be a challenge for me and I imagine that it would be for many others too.

Life happens, we get caught up in it and very soon we start to believe that it is the best we can do. I have great news for you---it’s never too late to discover new things or develop a new attitude. Of course a willing spirit and an open mind are required in order to be successful. J 

Sometimes you have to work hard--through trial and error--at figuring out what constitutes that favorite pastime. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll stumble across it unexpectedly. However, the not so good news is that once you find one thing there is no guarantee that it will always work.

Just like you won’t want to eat the same dish every day, you would most likely get bored if you try doing the same activity all the time, so mix it up. Say for example, you discover gardening is something you both love and working on the garden does wonders for your teamwork and partnership. Consider what to fill that time with during the non-growing season.

Figure it out by talking about it, paying attention to what you enjoy doing (separately or together), or make a list of new things to try and go for it. Choose to make sparks fly in the right way—any sparks happening should ignite a flame of love and warmth and not one to produce enemy fire that hurts your relationship.

# 12: Set Goals Together

I remember reading greeting cards that I received for my wedding and someone wrote “Hope you guys accomplish great things together!” That stuck with me. At first, I didn’t know what to make of it. At the time, I was clear about what I wanted to accomplish as an individual, I had a general idea about my husband’s dreams, I knew we wanted to have a family and make a good life for ourselves but beyond that everything was fuzzy. I just hadn’t thought that far out yet.

I am a planner by nature so I had learned the power of goal-setting but doing it as a couple was a whole different story. In the beginning, we reacted to things a lot and over time we learned to budget and plan ahead. Of course there are situations where you feel like there’s no need to plan ahead because the resources just aren’t there in the first place.

However, research shows that when you have a plan, you have a significantly better chance of accomplishing it. Setting goals together will definitely give you a better shot of realizing them. If you don’t know where to start, I would suggest making a wish list. To me, it is a kinder and gentler version of the corporate term “brainstorming,” which can sound chaotic and like ‘way too much work.’ Once you have your wish list, take a break and let it percolate for a while (you decide how long) but not longer than three months. Next, decide what’s agreeable, realistic and doable. Then you can add dates and do a further breakdown into action steps and who’s responsible for what and when.

When done well (that is when everyone participates fully) the benefits of goal setting together can be rewarding---improved goal-setting skills, better partnership, stronger bond, pride in accomplishing together and a better future.

I am eternally grateful for that note my wedding greeting card because it continues to inspire me after all these years. Beware what you write in a greeting card. It might turn out to be a source of inspiration for a lifetime!