#2: Let Your Guard Down - Relax

Think about how we attract our mates. We make sure to look our very best and sound as intelligent as we can manage. In other words, we get on a mission to impress. That’s a natural reaction in the animal kingdom---and lest you forget, humans are also considered animals.

Some of the ways animals attract their mates include scent, color display and mock fighting. There are animals capable of producing a hormonal scent that females respond to and are able to track the male. Many change color at mating time, while others have fights where the winner gets the mate.
If you think about it, humans can, and often times, do try these very same techniques when it comes to attracting mates but that’s a topic for a different time and place.

I remember when my husband and I newly started dating I wouldn’t see him without getting my eyes done—eyeliner, brow liner and mascara. At the time I believed that that look enhanced my beauty without looking like I tried too hard. Besides, he had complimented my eyes and they were made up at the time so why take the chance to have him see them bare—didn’t feel like a smart thing to do if I wanted him sticking around.

There are countless things that people do to continue to impress their mates. However, those things are fine when you’re just getting to know each other. As time goes on, it is normal to let go of much of the fear and anxiety brought on by thinking that a particular act or change in expectation might lead to loss of interest from the other person.

As the relationship matures, you should be able to let your guard down, so that the other person sees and learns about the many different aspects (great and not so great) of you and your life. And if they really care about you and love you as they profess, it should be ‘all good’.

#1: Know What You Want - Make a list

You know what they say: if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for, you will end up with “whatever”—and that is not a good thing. So take some time to think it through, get a pen and paper and start making a list. What do you want in a partner? I know it sounds cheesy but it really works.

Early on I learned about the power of lists but I did not become a believer until years later. In fact, I was somewhat forced to do it because I was at a point where I was finally serious about getting my relationship right.

As a single parent, I took a good, hard look at my past relationships and decided that I needed to make some big changes. I didn’t want to go through a laundry list of suitors and have my child get pulled in and out of my relationships, so I gave the list thing a try. I made a list of the qualities that my dream guy should have. Once I had my list where I thought it was realistic without taking away too much of what I had always dreamed of, I made a commitment to consciously keep those things in mind when I began meeting guys. It worked! I got the guy, most of the things on my list and a lot more that I wasn’t even considering. Oh sure, I had to settle for a couple of things on the list, but they were things that I felt I could live with.

Getting the guy did not stop my list-making activities. Throughout our relationship and marriage, I continue to make list of things that I want and don’t want to live with. Now, however, I share that list with him and we negotiate the items and work on them together.

Making a list of what you want is a surefire way of ensuring you will get what you want and not stray too far from the “big picture” of your dream relationship.

P.S. Make sure to get to the bottom of your list items by asking the question “why?” Figure out why those items are so important to you—it makes it that much more powerful, plus, it fuels motivation.

Putting it out there - Sharing my knowledge, experiences and lessons learned

When it comes to talking about love and marriage, there is a level of fear that many people experience for all kinds of reasons. The number one reason is because of the uncertainties associated with love and marriage; one moment, things can be going great and the next, it could be done. It is difficult to reach a point where people feel like they have it all figured out. Everything could seem fine and smooth-sailing and out of nowhere, one partner could decide that it’s just not working out for them, to the complete and utter surprise of the other. Another reason is because people are afraid of jinxing what they have as if just by discussing their relationship would turn everything for the worse. It’s kind of like bragging---many people are uncomfortable with it and feel awkward in the spotlight.

One saying that was repeated a lot since I was a little girl and to this day I still hear people saying is, “Don’t put your dirty laundry out in the street for all to see. Keep it at home behind closed doors, away from the world.” Well I know for a fact that sometimes you can save yourself a lot of work and ‘good clothes’ if you share your challenges, learn from others’ mistakes and open up to trying new solutions.

Having been in a monogamous relationship for over fourteen years, ten of which we’ve been married, qualifies me to share a thing or two about building a lasting relationship. It is never easy and keeping things going in the right direction is an ongoing and a never-ending process. As they say, it takes two to tango. It is true that in order to have a successful relationship, all parties must do the work that is required, but most importantly, each person must understand and believe that they have both the power and will to make it happen and in so doing, they must give it 105 percent.

This blog is about sharing my own knowledge, experiences and lessons learned along the way. I welcome your participation.