# 12: Set Goals Together

I remember reading greeting cards that I received for my wedding and someone wrote “Hope you guys accomplish great things together!” That stuck with me. At first, I didn’t know what to make of it. At the time, I was clear about what I wanted to accomplish as an individual, I had a general idea about my husband’s dreams, I knew we wanted to have a family and make a good life for ourselves but beyond that everything was fuzzy. I just hadn’t thought that far out yet.

I am a planner by nature so I had learned the power of goal-setting but doing it as a couple was a whole different story. In the beginning, we reacted to things a lot and over time we learned to budget and plan ahead. Of course there are situations where you feel like there’s no need to plan ahead because the resources just aren’t there in the first place.

However, research shows that when you have a plan, you have a significantly better chance of accomplishing it. Setting goals together will definitely give you a better shot of realizing them. If you don’t know where to start, I would suggest making a wish list. To me, it is a kinder and gentler version of the corporate term “brainstorming,” which can sound chaotic and like ‘way too much work.’ Once you have your wish list, take a break and let it percolate for a while (you decide how long) but not longer than three months. Next, decide what’s agreeable, realistic and doable. Then you can add dates and do a further breakdown into action steps and who’s responsible for what and when.

When done well (that is when everyone participates fully) the benefits of goal setting together can be rewarding---improved goal-setting skills, better partnership, stronger bond, pride in accomplishing together and a better future.

I am eternally grateful for that note my wedding greeting card because it continues to inspire me after all these years. Beware what you write in a greeting card. It might turn out to be a source of inspiration for a lifetime!

#11: Say Please and Thank You

Saying please and thank you sounds like a simple thing to do but simple is not always easy. It is usually the simple everyday things that trip us up in committed relationships. Squeezing the toothpaste tube the wrong way, leaving hair in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up, drinking milk or juice from the bottle, and such, are things that have somewhat become clichés but they do push those buttons that make us say things we regret and take us down ugly paths that can negatively affect a relationship.

There’s a reason why people refer to Please and Thank You as the magic words. They are magical. These powerful expressions are often taken for granted, especially with those with whom we have close relationships. This is often the case in a marriage or committed relationship where familiarity takes over and couples can easily begin to take each other for granted.

At the very least, two people enter into a committed relationship from different households and families, which often mean different values and worldviews and different ways of doing things. Intermarriages and the effects of globalization have only multiplied the complications of relationships.  Different individuals and families have different beliefs and practices --- there is nothing right or wrong about it; it just is.

For example, when growing up I learned that you say please and thank you to everyone, from your parents, to relatives, to strangers and everyone in between. It is a way to be courteous and show your appreciation because no one has to do anything for you---it’s a choice. My husband on the other hand, grew up with the understanding that you have an obligation to your family---you have no choice in the matter. HUGE difference!

In response to my please and thank you, my husband would say, “You don’t have to say that because I’m your husband.” He believed that it was uncalled-for when a child had to thank the parent for a meal or a parent thanked a child for running an errand. I, on the other hand, would threaten that I wouldn’t do anything for him unless he used the right expressions.

It was hard to accept his viewpoint but I knew that he wasn’t trying to be rude or ungrateful. It was a core belief he was passionate about and his wife had learned differently. Once I understood where he was coming from when he made comments that I initially thought were outrageous, I was more patient and sensitive to his feelings. We got through it all and today we are on the same page.

Taking the time to say please and thank you to each other is a way to express love, respect and appreciation in a relationship. Say please and thank you and magic will happen!

Review 1 - 10

There is power in tens so this is the perfect time to stop and review the first 10 ways to make love last that I have suggested.

#1: Know what you want—make a list. You know what they say: if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for, you will end up with “whatever”—and that is not a good thing. So take some time to think it through, get a pen and paper and start making a list. What do you want in a partner? I know it sounds cheesy but it really works.

#2: Let Your Guard Down – Relax. As the relationship matures, you should be able to let your guard down, so that the other person sees and learns about the many different aspects (great and not so great) about you and your life. And if they really care about you and love you as they profess, it should be ‘all good’.

#3: Please, No Details about Past Relationships. Knowing the details of past relationships will only creep up during the times when you feel the most vulnerable about love and trust. You don’t want your significant other looking at you and imagining the scenarios you’ve generously and graphically described---doubts could get the better of them. So keep details from past relationships to yourself.

#4: Get to know your significant other better by asking questions. Chances are you’ll never know if you don’t ask. No question is a dumb question—as long as it’s important to you, it is valid.

#5: Make It Fun! It’s all about being in the moment and learning how to enjoy the simple things in spite of everything else.

#6: Use positive words. The words you use to address each other impact your relationship in a big way. Negative words and attitudes hurt the relationship and can potentially tarnish your love and trust for one another and eventually pull you apart.

#7: Express Your Love on Valentine's Day. In my opinion, set-aside holidays serve as a wonderful reminder to do those things that we get so busy and easily forget to do. So my suggestion will be to take advantage of Valentine’s Day. The important thing is that you take the time to spend some quality time together and express you love for each other.

#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take a look at the unique circumstances of your relationship and decide how to build a respectful one. Remember that you earn respect by giving it to another.

#9: Make Sex a Priority. You probably know that sex has many benefits including improved health. Be present when lovemaking to ensure that sex is enjoyable and beneficial. My motto, if you’re going do it anyway, you better make sure it is great!

#10: Stay Connected to Other People. Keeping connected to people outside of a romantic relationship is enriching, whether done individually or as a couple. Healthy connections can provide a breath of fresh air into a marriage. When we make time to connect with others, we get a break from “our world” and can focus on other things or people; we can relax and enjoy the company of others; we can learn and share; and we can provide assistance or contribute to something bigger than just ‘us.’ Experts say that such connections make us healthier and happier individuals.

Now on to more ways.....stay tuned!