#11: Say Please and Thank You

Saying please and thank you sounds like a simple thing to do but simple is not always easy. It is usually the simple everyday things that trip us up in committed relationships. Squeezing the toothpaste tube the wrong way, leaving hair in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up, drinking milk or juice from the bottle, and such, are things that have somewhat become clichés but they do push those buttons that make us say things we regret and take us down ugly paths that can negatively affect a relationship.

There’s a reason why people refer to Please and Thank You as the magic words. They are magical. These powerful expressions are often taken for granted, especially with those with whom we have close relationships. This is often the case in a marriage or committed relationship where familiarity takes over and couples can easily begin to take each other for granted.

At the very least, two people enter into a committed relationship from different households and families, which often mean different values and worldviews and different ways of doing things. Intermarriages and the effects of globalization have only multiplied the complications of relationships.  Different individuals and families have different beliefs and practices --- there is nothing right or wrong about it; it just is.

For example, when growing up I learned that you say please and thank you to everyone, from your parents, to relatives, to strangers and everyone in between. It is a way to be courteous and show your appreciation because no one has to do anything for you---it’s a choice. My husband on the other hand, grew up with the understanding that you have an obligation to your family---you have no choice in the matter. HUGE difference!

In response to my please and thank you, my husband would say, “You don’t have to say that because I’m your husband.” He believed that it was uncalled-for when a child had to thank the parent for a meal or a parent thanked a child for running an errand. I, on the other hand, would threaten that I wouldn’t do anything for him unless he used the right expressions.

It was hard to accept his viewpoint but I knew that he wasn’t trying to be rude or ungrateful. It was a core belief he was passionate about and his wife had learned differently. Once I understood where he was coming from when he made comments that I initially thought were outrageous, I was more patient and sensitive to his feelings. We got through it all and today we are on the same page.

Taking the time to say please and thank you to each other is a way to express love, respect and appreciation in a relationship. Say please and thank you and magic will happen!