#18: Use I Statements to Communicate Effectively
It is pretty much common knowledge that communication is key in
building a successful relationship. However, not very often are we told how to
communicate. I know many people (especially females) who say I talk all the
time but nothing is happening. In a lot of these cases, it is just one person
doing the talking so in fact it is not effective communication, which requires
at least two people.
Effective communication will definitely lead to better results.
What is it? Well, where do I start? The topic is vast and needs to be broached
in bits and pieces. I am lucky to have a strategic communication background
(trust me it helps) but for those who are seriously lacking in this area, I
would suggest that they get help by taking some classes. This can be done
through Community Education classes or courses provided at your local community
college.
Basically, using “I Statements” is a way of communicating where
you state a situation/behavior as it happened (fact), speak to how you see
things from your point of view or how that specific behavior/action (not the
person in general) affects you and then you say what you would like to
happen. Of course once you have had your
say, you will have to let the other person respond as well.
There are several steps in the “I Statement” process: 1) make a statement/ask a question, 2) listen and repeat/paraphrase, 3) Use “I” not “You”, 4) state the behavior/action, 5) say how the behavior/action affects you, and 6) say what you would like to happen next.
Here’s an example:
Situation - I am watching television while writing a draft of my
blog entry. My husband comes in and sits in his favorite chair, grabs the TV
remote and changes the channel.
Me: Honey, please turn it back to the previous channel.
Husband: But you are on the computer and not even watching TV
Me: So because you think that I’m using the computer and not
watching TV that is why you changed the channel?
Husband: Yes, that’s what I see
Me: Well I am multitasking. Besides, I was the only one in the
living room and I am the one in this family who watches that program so when
you change the channel without checking with me I feel dismissed and angry. I
would like for you to ask me if it is okay for you to change the channel.
At this point I’m hoping he would say, “Oh sorry Honey, I didn’t
realize that you were multitasking. Is it okay for me to watch something
different?” And then of course I would feel inclined to say, “Yes, you may
change the TV channel,” to help drive the message home --- using I Statements
helps resolve misunderstandings. Besides, I can always take the laptop with me
and watch TV in another room if I really wanted to see the end of the program
(there are several TVs in our home).
I always enjoy learning new skills and techniques but I vividly
remember when I first learned about I Statements and how excited I was to see
how it changed my communication at home, in the workplace and in the community
at large. Mostly because it allowed me to come across in a manner that is less
accusing or blaming, allowed me to be more clear in my communication, and helped
me to listen more intently to others. It takes some practicing to get it right
but don’t let the awkwardness of learning this valuable skill rob you of the
many benefits which will last a lifetime.
Oh and to be honest, it won’t just be you feeling awkward, your
significant other would probably look at you as if you were speaking a foreign
language---because it will seem so unlike you---but eventually the awkwardness
will pass.
Good luck.
Click here for more instructions on I Statements.
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