#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As an African woman, I grew up with the idea that respect is given to the dead, elders, males and mothers--pretty much in that order.  Depending on how traditional one is, the African idea of respect can play a big role in one’s relationship or marriage. My marriage is a great example. My husband comes from a somewhat traditional background but I’m just the opposite. I grew up with hardly any traditional African values so the idea of “respect your husband,” I had heard many times before but didn’t understand what it really meant. It was a rude awakening for me when I started to experience and comprehend the African style respect.

For example, my in-laws would refer to my husband for everything, even things that have to do with me; at times they would do this in my presence and not once glancing over at me; other times when I would speak up, they would give my husband a quizzical look as if asking ‘are you going to tolerate this behavior?’  I would get hurt, confused and angry all at the same time and start to either confront my husband right there (because I figure they are family and not strangers) or accuse him of not loving me enough to stand up in my defense. However, I noticed that more it happened the more alone I felt.  In my mind, he was showing solidarity to his family and not his wife---I couldn’t win no matter how hard I protested.

To make a long story short, I realized that my husband is who he is and I can’t change that. In fact, I really didn’t want to change him at all so I needed to find the best way to deal with the reality of his background and values without driving myself insane or drifting apart from him. The answer---respect! I had to respect him as he sees it (tough for me but worth it).

Today, I try my very best to let him relate to his family and friends as he sees fit without my interference.  I’ve stopped asking him to ask his family to refer to me because I know that at the end of the day my husband will share whatever the situation is with me and we will decide together (many times I get to decide). I also respect my in-laws for who they are and their beliefs and values even if I don’t agree with them. In the end, our lives came back into balance because we learned to respect each other—no matter what. Over the years, we have come to understand that respect is tremendously important in keeping our marriage happy and healthy.

Okay, enough about me!

Respect is one word that is thrown around a lot but what does it really mean?

Let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the meaning of the word. According to the Merriam-Webster free online dictionary, it means the following:

1: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation <remarks having respect to an earlier plan>

2: an act of giving particular attention: consideration

3a: high or special regard: esteem
b: the quality or state of being esteemed
c (plural): expressions of high or special regard or deference <paid our respects>

We often think about items 2 and 3a when we speak of respect. Let me remind you that you have to earn respect in order to get it in return. Unfortunately, too many people forget that fact.

In marriage or a relationship, demands for respect directly or indirectly often come about during times when the following phrases are being used or made reference to:

·         “head of household”

·         “bread-winner”

·         “mother-of-your-children”

·         “through thick and thin”

·         “sacrifice”

If you think about it, these are entitlement phrases. We often feel that these self-described phrases automatically give us the right to be respected. You could probably come up with dozens of scenarios for each phrase or perhaps even you have used them to make the case for respect. In the final analysis, like in my own case, you will need to look at your unique circumstance and decide how to build a respectful relationship.