#11: Say Please and Thank You

Saying please and thank you sounds like a simple thing to do but simple is not always easy. It is usually the simple everyday things that trip us up in committed relationships. Squeezing the toothpaste tube the wrong way, leaving hair in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up, drinking milk or juice from the bottle, and such, are things that have somewhat become clichés but they do push those buttons that make us say things we regret and take us down ugly paths that can negatively affect a relationship.

There’s a reason why people refer to Please and Thank You as the magic words. They are magical. These powerful expressions are often taken for granted, especially with those with whom we have close relationships. This is often the case in a marriage or committed relationship where familiarity takes over and couples can easily begin to take each other for granted.

At the very least, two people enter into a committed relationship from different households and families, which often mean different values and worldviews and different ways of doing things. Intermarriages and the effects of globalization have only multiplied the complications of relationships.  Different individuals and families have different beliefs and practices --- there is nothing right or wrong about it; it just is.

For example, when growing up I learned that you say please and thank you to everyone, from your parents, to relatives, to strangers and everyone in between. It is a way to be courteous and show your appreciation because no one has to do anything for you---it’s a choice. My husband on the other hand, grew up with the understanding that you have an obligation to your family---you have no choice in the matter. HUGE difference!

In response to my please and thank you, my husband would say, “You don’t have to say that because I’m your husband.” He believed that it was uncalled-for when a child had to thank the parent for a meal or a parent thanked a child for running an errand. I, on the other hand, would threaten that I wouldn’t do anything for him unless he used the right expressions.

It was hard to accept his viewpoint but I knew that he wasn’t trying to be rude or ungrateful. It was a core belief he was passionate about and his wife had learned differently. Once I understood where he was coming from when he made comments that I initially thought were outrageous, I was more patient and sensitive to his feelings. We got through it all and today we are on the same page.

Taking the time to say please and thank you to each other is a way to express love, respect and appreciation in a relationship. Say please and thank you and magic will happen!

Review 1 - 10

There is power in tens so this is the perfect time to stop and review the first 10 ways to make love last that I have suggested.

#1: Know what you want—make a list. You know what they say: if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for, you will end up with “whatever”—and that is not a good thing. So take some time to think it through, get a pen and paper and start making a list. What do you want in a partner? I know it sounds cheesy but it really works.

#2: Let Your Guard Down – Relax. As the relationship matures, you should be able to let your guard down, so that the other person sees and learns about the many different aspects (great and not so great) about you and your life. And if they really care about you and love you as they profess, it should be ‘all good’.

#3: Please, No Details about Past Relationships. Knowing the details of past relationships will only creep up during the times when you feel the most vulnerable about love and trust. You don’t want your significant other looking at you and imagining the scenarios you’ve generously and graphically described---doubts could get the better of them. So keep details from past relationships to yourself.

#4: Get to know your significant other better by asking questions. Chances are you’ll never know if you don’t ask. No question is a dumb question—as long as it’s important to you, it is valid.

#5: Make It Fun! It’s all about being in the moment and learning how to enjoy the simple things in spite of everything else.

#6: Use positive words. The words you use to address each other impact your relationship in a big way. Negative words and attitudes hurt the relationship and can potentially tarnish your love and trust for one another and eventually pull you apart.

#7: Express Your Love on Valentine's Day. In my opinion, set-aside holidays serve as a wonderful reminder to do those things that we get so busy and easily forget to do. So my suggestion will be to take advantage of Valentine’s Day. The important thing is that you take the time to spend some quality time together and express you love for each other.

#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take a look at the unique circumstances of your relationship and decide how to build a respectful one. Remember that you earn respect by giving it to another.

#9: Make Sex a Priority. You probably know that sex has many benefits including improved health. Be present when lovemaking to ensure that sex is enjoyable and beneficial. My motto, if you’re going do it anyway, you better make sure it is great!

#10: Stay Connected to Other People. Keeping connected to people outside of a romantic relationship is enriching, whether done individually or as a couple. Healthy connections can provide a breath of fresh air into a marriage. When we make time to connect with others, we get a break from “our world” and can focus on other things or people; we can relax and enjoy the company of others; we can learn and share; and we can provide assistance or contribute to something bigger than just ‘us.’ Experts say that such connections make us healthier and happier individuals.

Now on to more ways.....stay tuned!

#10: Stay Connected to Other People

You’ve read the poems, listened to the songs, heard the stories and perhaps experienced it yourself---when people are in love they want to spend every waking moment together. That’s all fine and good but when that happens, the other people in their lives move on to other things.

To be fair, the older we get the harder it is to maintain and develop relationships. When we enter into a committed relationship like marriage, priorities change and without thought, planning and effort, we could lose great friendships that we worked to so hard to build.

Couples should definitely take the time they need and get to know each other better. People are generally understanding when it comes to that. However, make sure to keep family and friends in the loop. Make an occasional call, send an email or a text to stay connected---you'll be glad you did. Why?

Keeping connected to people outside of a romantic relationship is enriching and beneficial, whether done individually or as a couple. Healthy connections can provide a breath of fresh air into a marriage. When we make time to connect with others, we get a break from “our world” and can focus on other things or people; we can relax and enjoy the company of others; we can learn and share; and we can provide assistance or contribute to something bigger than 'us'. Experts say that such connections make us healthier and happier individuals.

Be creative when you’re connecting with others. You don’t always have to do lunch, dinner or coffee. You can meet to workout, go to an event, go shopping or sight-seeing, work on a project together, or do anything that you are both interested in. Finding a variety of ways to connect will keep things interesting and fresh.

What I value the most about keeping connected to others is that it helps to keep me grounded and I am usually participating as an individual and not as part of a couple—there’s a difference.

#9: Make Sex a Priority

Newly committed couples find out very quickly that the romance doesn’t last forever---at least not in that same form. Sex takes on different functions in the relationship over time. For example, couples who just couldn’t get enough of each other now have more time to explore and enjoy lovemaking, for couples hoping to get pregnant it becomes a mission to conceive, etc. Like everything else that we dive into with all of our passion and energy, we eventually burnout and need a break. This is the point where couples will need to be patient and communicate often about their thoughts and emotions. It can be a confusing time because it can easily be construed as falling out of love, when in reality it is not.

Of course each couple will have their unique circumstances but for the most part, making sex a priority has many benefits: it is safe (assuming it is monogamous), it helps couples connect at a deeper level, it generally gets better over time—with same partner and with age, and it is an expression of love and acceptance, in addition to other general health benefits of sex.

Some people have a fear of the “letting yourself go” phenomenon once you are happily committed. In most cases, it is no longer all about physical attraction. Sexy becomes things like doing your part to make the household run smoothly such as washing the dishes without being asked or reminded, saying the right things to help the other regain confidence, making a special wish come true, taking the kids to the park so the other can take a much-needed break, and so on. The little things that make a person feel loved and accepted become the new turn-on.

Common things that can become obstacles to making sex a priority in a committed relationship include stress, kids, fatigue, and emotional distress. One way that experts suggest having great sex in spite of the obstacles is to clear your head and allow yourself to be present when lovemaking. This way you can ensure that sex is enjoyable and all of its benefits are realized. Here’s my motto, "if you’re going do it anyway, you better make sure it is great!"

#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As an African woman, I grew up with the idea that respect is given to the dead, elders, males and mothers--pretty much in that order.  Depending on how traditional one is, the African idea of respect can play a big role in one’s relationship or marriage. My marriage is a great example. My husband comes from a somewhat traditional background but I’m just the opposite. I grew up with hardly any traditional African values so the idea of “respect your husband,” I had heard many times before but didn’t understand what it really meant. It was a rude awakening for me when I started to experience and comprehend the African style respect.

For example, my in-laws would refer to my husband for everything, even things that have to do with me; at times they would do this in my presence and not once glancing over at me; other times when I would speak up, they would give my husband a quizzical look as if asking ‘are you going to tolerate this behavior?’  I would get hurt, confused and angry all at the same time and start to either confront my husband right there (because I figure they are family and not strangers) or accuse him of not loving me enough to stand up in my defense. However, I noticed that more it happened the more alone I felt.  In my mind, he was showing solidarity to his family and not his wife---I couldn’t win no matter how hard I protested.

To make a long story short, I realized that my husband is who he is and I can’t change that. In fact, I really didn’t want to change him at all so I needed to find the best way to deal with the reality of his background and values without driving myself insane or drifting apart from him. The answer---respect! I had to respect him as he sees it (tough for me but worth it).

Today, I try my very best to let him relate to his family and friends as he sees fit without my interference.  I’ve stopped asking him to ask his family to refer to me because I know that at the end of the day my husband will share whatever the situation is with me and we will decide together (many times I get to decide). I also respect my in-laws for who they are and their beliefs and values even if I don’t agree with them. In the end, our lives came back into balance because we learned to respect each other—no matter what. Over the years, we have come to understand that respect is tremendously important in keeping our marriage happy and healthy.

Okay, enough about me!

Respect is one word that is thrown around a lot but what does it really mean?

Let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the meaning of the word. According to the Merriam-Webster free online dictionary, it means the following:

1: a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation <remarks having respect to an earlier plan>

2: an act of giving particular attention: consideration

3a: high or special regard: esteem
b: the quality or state of being esteemed
c (plural): expressions of high or special regard or deference <paid our respects>

We often think about items 2 and 3a when we speak of respect. Let me remind you that you have to earn respect in order to get it in return. Unfortunately, too many people forget that fact.

In marriage or a relationship, demands for respect directly or indirectly often come about during times when the following phrases are being used or made reference to:

·         “head of household”

·         “bread-winner”

·         “mother-of-your-children”

·         “through thick and thin”

·         “sacrifice”

If you think about it, these are entitlement phrases. We often feel that these self-described phrases automatically give us the right to be respected. You could probably come up with dozens of scenarios for each phrase or perhaps even you have used them to make the case for respect. In the final analysis, like in my own case, you will need to look at your unique circumstance and decide how to build a respectful relationship.

#7: Express Your Love on Valentine's Day

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you and your relationship?

I know people who argue that it is just another commercial holiday when the business community puts the pressure on to make us throw away our hard earned money. Maybe or maybe not. It’s all how you look at it. The bottom line is celebrating your love does not have to cost you any extra money than you already spend regularly.

In my opinion, set-aside holidays serve as a wonderful reminder to do those things that we get so busy and easily forget to do. So my suggestion will be to take advantage of Valentine’s Day. The important thing is that you take the time to spend some quality time together and express you love for each other.

Here is a list of things that will cost you little or nothing:

·         Buy a greeting card that comes close to expressing what you feel and read it out loud to your love one

·         Write a letter and read it out loud to them

·         Make dinner special (cook or take out)

·         Dance to your favorite love tune

·         Give them a loving hug, look them in the eye and express your love

·         Go to bed at least 30 minutes earlier than usual to…(you fill in the blank)

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day!

#6: Use Positive Words

Why would anyone direct harsh or derogatory remarks to the one they love? Two reasons: either they don’t have an expansive vocabulary or they don’t know what else to do.

Here’s a true personal story: disagreements in the first years of my marriage were sometimes fierce. However, I am not one to back down from any opportunity to express myself. During those times, things would sometimes get heated and loud and we would find ourselves in a place where we were trying our hardest to say hurtful things --- more hurtful than what the other person had said before. Very quickly we found ourselves going down a dark path and I dreaded quarrels but braced myself for one whenever necessary. Finally, we initiated a series of talks about our fights and what I discovered was very interesting and eye-opening. I learned that most of the words and phrases my husband (whose native language is French) used were simply those he had learned from guy friends he lived with when he first came to the country. He had learned that those were the things you said to curse someone out and hurt their feelings. He didn’t quite understand what impact it had on me or the damage it could potentially have on our relationship. Basically, the words didn’t mean much to him but was devastating to me. Today, when we quarrel, we focus on getting to the root cause of the issue and not merely aiming to hurt the other’s feelings as much as possible.

The words you use to address each other impact your relationship in a big way. Negative words and attitudes hurt the relationship and can potentially tarnish your love and trust for one another and eventually pull you apart.

If the tone of your relationship is negative, take some time to talk about it and find out why it’s happening in the first place, then make a commitment to turn the page.