#16: Hold Hands

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always found the sight of a couple holding hands while strolling to be romantic and heart-warming. It is a simple, harmless gesture but at the same time it is so intimate and private. I’ve also seen holding hands as some sort of a sign of deeper love, understanding and acceptance.

So I had this secret wish that someday I will find someone to hold my hand and it would mean all the things that I had imagined it to be and more. My husband, as perfect as he is for me, did not reach for my hand when we walked together. I wasn’t sure if it would mean the same thing if I was the one to reach for his hand first---I know it sounds silly but I really wondered that. At some point, I decided it was just a foolish secret wish anyway. After all, how many African men hold hands when walking with their wives? Exactly! Unfortunately I couldn’t seem to shake off my secret wish of strolling hand-in-hand with the man I love.

Then one day I found the courage to share my secret wish with him! He said that there were times when he wanted to hold my hand but he didn’t think I would want him to (because sometimes I have this thing about people touching me—especially when it’s warm). So anyway, we cleared things up and now we do it often--enough. Yes, it is everything I imagined!

Go ahead---stroll hand in hand with your love one.  It is amazing to share something that’s uniquely open and yet so private at the same time. If you don’t do this already, start right away.

#15: Say What You Love About Them

When the honeymoon period ends it can be easy to forget some of the things that you love about your significant other. The little things get in the way. Sometimes it’s the big things---like children, building a life together now or planning for the future. However, the important thing to remember is that it all started with just the two of you and the very things that you love about your significant other—those things are most likely the reasons why you fell in love and decided to build a life together in the first place.

Find a way to help yourself remember.  Is there a song that brings back special memories? Buy the album or load it to your iPod and dance to it often. Is there a picture that lights up your eyes and melts your heart? Frame it and put it in a spot where you’ll see it often. Did your love one give you a greeting card or letter that means the world to you? Put it in a special place that is easily accessible. Do you have the most amazing stories about when you first met or started dating? Write them down or retell them often to each other and to those who care. You get where I’m going with this. Think about other examples.

I love writing things down in my catch-all journals. Sometimes I thump through them and read out loud to my husband. I enjoy it and he loves it. Every once in a while I would talk him into writing his thoughts and feelings in my journal. It is always fun reading his entries and, at times, sharing them with him. For example, he started on of his entries like this, “I don’t feel like writing anything but my Judy is forcing me…” Fun!

Don’t let go of all the things you love about your significant other because those things can play a big role in helping to keep your love alive.

#14: Make Intentional Physical Contact Everyday

Are you a hugger? Or do you like smooches? How about an ass-slapping? Prefer to mix it up?

I’m asking you these things because any one of them (or a combination) can work wonders for your relationship! There is power in intentional actions—no matter what the goal. In this instance, the goal is to establish physical contact.

One of the best decisions my husband and I made early on in our marriage was to kiss when we greet or depart from each other. So depending on our comings and goings each day, which can add up quickly when you consider the dropping offs ad picking ups of kids and making much needed trips and errands, kisses could be flying like crazy!

Okay—honestly—sometimes the smooch is so quick that you could miss it if you just blink but the point is that had it not been for this rule, I have no doubt that I would be kissing my husband significantly less. Not to mention the times when I am not so pleased with him—and of course no one knows it but me—so I still get to kiss him regardless. And oh, when we don’t kiss each other then we know that there’s something VERY wrong but the making up…kisses, that is….is sweet!

I digress…

Here is why intentional physical contact is important. Every time we kiss or touch, even if for the briefest moments, it makes me more aware of him—I see him and feel him and when we are apart (especially for days) I miss them so much and yearn for those moments. They have become second nature and expected, making me feel grateful for him and our love and commitment to each other. And days when things are dark and scary I find myself lingering a bit longer and taking a bit more time to savor the kiss; hell, sometimes I even throw my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulders—that results to raised eyebrow and a puzzled but pleased look every time.

But seriously, intentional physical contact forces a couple to stop and acknowledge one another as if saying, “Hey, I see you.”

#13: Discover a Favorite Pastime to Enjoy Together

Sometimes I hear couples say that they do better when they’re apart because whenever they are in the same space for a long period of time sparks start to fly. Such a relationship would be a challenge for me and I imagine that it would be for many others too.

Life happens, we get caught up in it and very soon we start to believe that it is the best we can do. I have great news for you---it’s never too late to discover new things or develop a new attitude. Of course a willing spirit and an open mind are required in order to be successful. J 

Sometimes you have to work hard--through trial and error--at figuring out what constitutes that favorite pastime. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll stumble across it unexpectedly. However, the not so good news is that once you find one thing there is no guarantee that it will always work.

Just like you won’t want to eat the same dish every day, you would most likely get bored if you try doing the same activity all the time, so mix it up. Say for example, you discover gardening is something you both love and working on the garden does wonders for your teamwork and partnership. Consider what to fill that time with during the non-growing season.

Figure it out by talking about it, paying attention to what you enjoy doing (separately or together), or make a list of new things to try and go for it. Choose to make sparks fly in the right way—any sparks happening should ignite a flame of love and warmth and not one to produce enemy fire that hurts your relationship.

# 12: Set Goals Together

I remember reading greeting cards that I received for my wedding and someone wrote “Hope you guys accomplish great things together!” That stuck with me. At first, I didn’t know what to make of it. At the time, I was clear about what I wanted to accomplish as an individual, I had a general idea about my husband’s dreams, I knew we wanted to have a family and make a good life for ourselves but beyond that everything was fuzzy. I just hadn’t thought that far out yet.

I am a planner by nature so I had learned the power of goal-setting but doing it as a couple was a whole different story. In the beginning, we reacted to things a lot and over time we learned to budget and plan ahead. Of course there are situations where you feel like there’s no need to plan ahead because the resources just aren’t there in the first place.

However, research shows that when you have a plan, you have a significantly better chance of accomplishing it. Setting goals together will definitely give you a better shot of realizing them. If you don’t know where to start, I would suggest making a wish list. To me, it is a kinder and gentler version of the corporate term “brainstorming,” which can sound chaotic and like ‘way too much work.’ Once you have your wish list, take a break and let it percolate for a while (you decide how long) but not longer than three months. Next, decide what’s agreeable, realistic and doable. Then you can add dates and do a further breakdown into action steps and who’s responsible for what and when.

When done well (that is when everyone participates fully) the benefits of goal setting together can be rewarding---improved goal-setting skills, better partnership, stronger bond, pride in accomplishing together and a better future.

I am eternally grateful for that note my wedding greeting card because it continues to inspire me after all these years. Beware what you write in a greeting card. It might turn out to be a source of inspiration for a lifetime!

#11: Say Please and Thank You

Saying please and thank you sounds like a simple thing to do but simple is not always easy. It is usually the simple everyday things that trip us up in committed relationships. Squeezing the toothpaste tube the wrong way, leaving hair in the sink, leaving the toilet seat up, drinking milk or juice from the bottle, and such, are things that have somewhat become clichés but they do push those buttons that make us say things we regret and take us down ugly paths that can negatively affect a relationship.

There’s a reason why people refer to Please and Thank You as the magic words. They are magical. These powerful expressions are often taken for granted, especially with those with whom we have close relationships. This is often the case in a marriage or committed relationship where familiarity takes over and couples can easily begin to take each other for granted.

At the very least, two people enter into a committed relationship from different households and families, which often mean different values and worldviews and different ways of doing things. Intermarriages and the effects of globalization have only multiplied the complications of relationships.  Different individuals and families have different beliefs and practices --- there is nothing right or wrong about it; it just is.

For example, when growing up I learned that you say please and thank you to everyone, from your parents, to relatives, to strangers and everyone in between. It is a way to be courteous and show your appreciation because no one has to do anything for you---it’s a choice. My husband on the other hand, grew up with the understanding that you have an obligation to your family---you have no choice in the matter. HUGE difference!

In response to my please and thank you, my husband would say, “You don’t have to say that because I’m your husband.” He believed that it was uncalled-for when a child had to thank the parent for a meal or a parent thanked a child for running an errand. I, on the other hand, would threaten that I wouldn’t do anything for him unless he used the right expressions.

It was hard to accept his viewpoint but I knew that he wasn’t trying to be rude or ungrateful. It was a core belief he was passionate about and his wife had learned differently. Once I understood where he was coming from when he made comments that I initially thought were outrageous, I was more patient and sensitive to his feelings. We got through it all and today we are on the same page.

Taking the time to say please and thank you to each other is a way to express love, respect and appreciation in a relationship. Say please and thank you and magic will happen!

Review 1 - 10

There is power in tens so this is the perfect time to stop and review the first 10 ways to make love last that I have suggested.

#1: Know what you want—make a list. You know what they say: if you don’t know what it is you’re looking for, you will end up with “whatever”—and that is not a good thing. So take some time to think it through, get a pen and paper and start making a list. What do you want in a partner? I know it sounds cheesy but it really works.

#2: Let Your Guard Down – Relax. As the relationship matures, you should be able to let your guard down, so that the other person sees and learns about the many different aspects (great and not so great) about you and your life. And if they really care about you and love you as they profess, it should be ‘all good’.

#3: Please, No Details about Past Relationships. Knowing the details of past relationships will only creep up during the times when you feel the most vulnerable about love and trust. You don’t want your significant other looking at you and imagining the scenarios you’ve generously and graphically described---doubts could get the better of them. So keep details from past relationships to yourself.

#4: Get to know your significant other better by asking questions. Chances are you’ll never know if you don’t ask. No question is a dumb question—as long as it’s important to you, it is valid.

#5: Make It Fun! It’s all about being in the moment and learning how to enjoy the simple things in spite of everything else.

#6: Use positive words. The words you use to address each other impact your relationship in a big way. Negative words and attitudes hurt the relationship and can potentially tarnish your love and trust for one another and eventually pull you apart.

#7: Express Your Love on Valentine's Day. In my opinion, set-aside holidays serve as a wonderful reminder to do those things that we get so busy and easily forget to do. So my suggestion will be to take advantage of Valentine’s Day. The important thing is that you take the time to spend some quality time together and express you love for each other.

#8: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Take a look at the unique circumstances of your relationship and decide how to build a respectful one. Remember that you earn respect by giving it to another.

#9: Make Sex a Priority. You probably know that sex has many benefits including improved health. Be present when lovemaking to ensure that sex is enjoyable and beneficial. My motto, if you’re going do it anyway, you better make sure it is great!

#10: Stay Connected to Other People. Keeping connected to people outside of a romantic relationship is enriching, whether done individually or as a couple. Healthy connections can provide a breath of fresh air into a marriage. When we make time to connect with others, we get a break from “our world” and can focus on other things or people; we can relax and enjoy the company of others; we can learn and share; and we can provide assistance or contribute to something bigger than just ‘us.’ Experts say that such connections make us healthier and happier individuals.

Now on to more ways.....stay tuned!